The Timmy Taylor Blog
History Lesson: Benjamin Franklin was THE BEST founding father that ever lived.
From a recently discovered letter to a younger bro, it turns out that this founding father was into pounding the founding mothers. It’s actually a letter that starts out in a rather boring ‘lemme give you some advice young gun’ kind of way. In the first paragraph he says:
Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness.
And the presidential douchebaggery continues:
It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World.
First of all, I call bullshit on the whole marriage/compleat (his spelling, not mine) human being thing. Luckily the letter starts to get interesting:
..in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones.
You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:
Then he rattles of eight good reasons. He’s written this in ye olde English, so i’ll translate.
1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.
These women don’t talk too much shit after you’ve blown your load. Their expectations are realistic: they and won’t expect you to reload your weapon in less than half an hour.
2.Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
This follows along from the wisdom that dictates that fat chicks give better blow jobs. They work harder because they HAVE to. The ‘most useful of all friends’ bit means that when you’re stuck in bed, sick as a mofo, she’ll still suck your dick.
3.Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.
This one is petty self explanatory, aint no flowers growing in that garden.
4.Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
Old chicks aren’t going to tell everyone and mess up your flow, and if anyone finds out, they’ll think you’re doing her a favour. Also, they will think she’s helping you out by saving you some cash by not cruising Craigslist for a ‘massage’.
5.Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
Despite the ugly face, their peach might still be juicy. I’m not sure I completely agree with this one, I mean I’ve seen some milf gash in my time. Sure, some have been ok, but most have ranged from something that looks like a fist-sized ball of chewed-up chewing gum to a complete asymmetrical fleshy train wreck.
He follows on with an ‘it’s all the same in the dark’ angle. Again, i’m not sure if I agree with this one, but I guess he’s looking out for the milfs.
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
You really don’t need to be some chick’s first disappointing experience. A well seasoned milf has been sexually disappointed so many times in her life that you’re hardly going to make a dent.
7.Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.
Sometimes you’ve spent so much time, and drank so much beer that by the time you actually DO get a college chick in bed, you are struggling to keep your snake full of venom. With a cougar you can go over her place (her OWN place that she won in a divorce) at 6pm, she can cook you a nice steak, she’ll let you watch the game, then after you’ve popped your cork inside her barren vagina she’ll let you have a quick nap. By the time you wake up at 10pm, you’re rested, your belly is full of steak and your clothes are neatly folded on the dresser. This brings me to Franklin’s last point:
8.THEY ARE SO GREATFUL!
They are so greatful!
I feel like someone has written my email address in a dirty truckstop restroom with the title "SWM looking for some politiacally-charged offensive tshirt articles"
Here is the latest one:
Is there really such a thing as offensive T-shirts? The ANC says: yes.
The ANC (or African National Congress) of KwaZulu-Natal has recently made as statement against offensive T-shirts being designed and printed by a school in Durban. The t-shirts feature drawings of various ANC leaders and figures, including President Jacob Zuma and Nelson Mandela; the drawings are being called offensive, rude and unflattering. One t-shirt, which features a drawing of President Jacob Zuma, is accompanied by the slogan: “Fakers since 1994.”
The school, Westville Boys' High School, released a statement apologizing for the t-shirts. According to school officials, the offensive T-shirts were created by students in the art program, who created them as part of their school examinations. The shirts were then displayed by the school at the Westville Market Mall, also located in Durban. From there, social media and news media have taken care of the rest.
However, not all ANC leaders are happy with the school’s apology for the t-shirt designs. Party spokesman Senzo Mkhize believes that the school, and the teachers involved in displaying the t-shirts, are misdirecting the blame from themselves to the student artists. Mkhize also made a statement indicating that the teachers who ultimately made the decision to exhibit the t-shirts in the Durban mall have a vendetta against the ANC, and that the students 'must have had guidance' from their teachers.
The incident will likely raise the question: can t-shirt designs be offensive? And if so, what are the legal or moral limits that should be imposed on such designs? Can exceptions be made for political art—and if so, what is the line between an offensive image and a political statement?
So far, no legal or punitive action has been taken against the school since their apology to the ANC for the incident.
* * * * *
So yeah, WTF am I supposed to do with this?
I’m sick of saying happy holidays just because I don’t want to offend the stripper thrusting her crotch in my face. So this year i’m going to make judgement calls about the chicks religion... Generally ‘Merry Christmas baby’ didn’t bother 90% of the girls, but I guess as a result of the economic downturn, i’m seeing a lot more Jewish princesses turning into strippers.
It’s funny how offended some girls get about something as trivial as me wishing them a ‘Merry Christmas’ when you consider about 30 seconds prior I was inserting a neatly-folded $1 bill into their lady parts. It is what it is though, so i’ve now decided to release a new jewish Christmas tshirt design just for them. Behold: MERRY JEWISHMAS!!
Now you can show the world that you are a tolerant or exclusive human being, or alternately you can show everyone at the synagogue how progressive you are. The rabbi might not like it, but you know it’ll make the chicks giggle. So Merry Jewishmas to all of the Jewish strippers out there!
Oi Oi Oi!!!!
I'm very used to getting emails hating on my designs, and they are usually quite easy to understand.
Paragraphs like: "F@ck you, You piece of sh1t! I'm a christian that goes to church every Sunday, but I really take offense to you "Jesus Shaves - But not his balls" tshirt design. I hope you go to hell" pretty much give me the gist of what they are trying to say. Effectively they are saying 'While I appreciate your artistic abilities, I find the Jesus design to be sub-par. Good day sir.'
With that in mind here is an email I got this morning:
"Many people wear clothes, shirts specifically, to express a sense of individuality and a sense of style and fashion that is personal to their own beliefs or likes. However, there comes a time when a sense of humor can be taken the wrong way and offend a singular or large group of people. Although you have the freedom to wear whatever you want and feel however you want, you should still keep in mind the type of message you portray with what you wear and the impact it can have on some people.
You can always find any type of t-shirt all over stores and the internet to buy with whatever message you want on them. One shirt in particular that caused a stir was a teen wearing the offensive “casual rape” shirt on campus. This caused funding to be withdrawn for their sports team and the university to be put under a light. In another state, there was a shirt worn by a middle school student in support of the KKK. These are all offensive t-shirts that people should keep in mind that could make others uncomfortable or feel uneasy about being around those people.
People will always have individual style and always have the right to express themselves how they want, but offensive t-shirts to still be worn with caution and kept either to themselves or around friends and family that may approve of this behavior and style. Although some of these shirts may just been as a joke to some, it can be taken seriously and have serious repercussions for the people involved. These offensive t-shirts can cause an outcry to a community and can cause the associations these individuals are involved in serious backlash and cause a big commotion for possibly no reason at all.
At the end of the day, you are entitled to wear what you would like but it is important to remember that you still live in the world where others can view this and you never know what it could spark. It is not so much the fact that you have to always be on the lookout for who you offend or what people may look at, but it is that you should just read lightly and remember that although you may like something, in the public’s eyes, it may not always be the best choice of fashion or decision to be making."
I literally don't know what to make of it, it's like from the bastard child of an over-reacting christian and an Indian spam copywriter with tourettes?!
Anyway, a new more inclusive design will be out next week!
Is this Day Above Ground song 'Asian Girlz' the most offensive song ever? It would appear that 90% of Youtube would think so. Chheck out some of the comments:
- F*CK YOU! DAY ABOVE GROUND
- Oh really? That's fine by you? Would it also be fine by you if I came over, chopped your dick off and stuffed it down your throat, you racist, fetishizing piece of shit?
- You are brainwashed and full of stereotypes - about fetishizing racists everywhere.
- Fucking white people mang.....
- Anyone who doesnt see this is as a big deal or as a 'joke' means they are desensitized to the objectification of asian women, and accept many of the degrading stereotypes depicted in the video. that's what's really sad to me, that there are people who see this, don't think it's a big deal, and then go out and mistreat asian people because of their ignorance. unintentional racism is still racism. also if you thought this was 'funny' then your sense of humor blows lol.
And probably the worst comment of all:
- The worst part about this song is obviously the fact that the guitarist is playing an electric in the video, and an acoustic in the recording. That and the rampant facial hair.
Although I kind of agree with that last one, I think this is just one biiiiiiig joke. All of the chicks that became feminists in college should dry their eyes on their rolled-up Little Jagged Pill tshirts and just get back to hating on ex-boyfriends that couldn't pt up with their shit.
By the way, what about this song:
Check out the comments; no one screams racism or 'I'm not easily offended, but this offends me'. Pffft.
I love Asian Girlz. Both the song and the actual chicks. Whats not to love?? Smaller hands make my c*ck look bigger!!
My favourite lyrics:
Your momma's so pretty
Best nails in the city
Pushing your daddy's Mercedes
Here are the rest of the lyrics so you can sing along..... Tradition, tradition, tradition............
Asian girl, she's my Asian girl
You're my Asian girl, you're my Asian girl
You're my Asian girl, she's my Asian girl
Yes, my Asian girl, you're my Asian girl
I love your sticky rice
Butt fucking all night
Bitch I love you
I love your creamy yellow thighs
Ooh your slanted eyes
It's the Year of the Dragon
Ninja pussy I'm stabbin'
Superstitious feng shui shit (what)
Now lay your hair by the toilet
I've got your green tea boba
So put your head on my shoulder
Your momma's so pretty
Best nails in the city
Pushing your daddy's Mercedes
New Year's in February (February?)
That's fine with me (I guess)
Yeah, shark soup (What? Fuck it, we'll eat it)
Oh, tradition, tradition, tradition, yeah yeah
Baby, you're my Asian girl
You're legally (best kind)
So baby marry me
Come on sit on my lap (right here baby)
Or we'll send you back
And you age so well
I can barely tell
17 or 23?
Baby doesn't matter to me
Don't forget Chinatown
Happy endings all over
Foot rub rub a down down down
Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra
All over you all over me